I Remember. . .

A father of a friend of a friend of a college roommate posted an assignment on his blog about memories. Here are a few of mine:

* I remember playing with the dollhouse waiting for Jennifer to get home from preschool. I remember wanting to go too.

* I remember coming to our house in Houston for the very first time and wanting the big bedroom.

* I remember crying at the daycare window.

* I remember playing Thundercats on the swing set.

* I remember that Mrs. Wigger, my first grade teacher, hated to erase.

* I remember peeing my pants on the playground at school and never telling anyone.

* I remember setting up the tent over the coffee table and pretending it was bunk beds.

* I remember chocolate shakes and french fries from Whataburger.

* I remember the birthday party that Kristy and I went to. We were the only hearing kids there. Games People Play.

* I remember the Christmas that I knew I was in love; and the sweet knowledge years later that he was not for me.

* I remember sleeping in bed with Alex and Lynn. I remember never having been so afraid in my life.

* I remember that time that Sarah threw up on the table.

* I remember the first student I met when I was going to be a real, honest to God, teacher. You changed my life, Nicholas.

* I remember the first day that he wasn't just a friend.

* I remember the evening that a young cps worker arrived at our house and set the fattest cheeked little baby boy on our table. I remember falling in love.

Virtual Coffee

If we were meeting for coffee, I'd grab a venti earl grey- cause my throat is a little sore and my head is congested, and probably nothing to eat. . .But who are we kidding. We would be meeting for wine, not tea. not coffee.

And if we were meeting for wine, I'd be sure to ask you about your work, and your three day weekend. What? You're not a teacher? You had to work on Monday? I feel sad for mentioning it. But not so sad, because then I'd tell you all about the treasures we found at the outlet mall on Monday and how thankful I was to not have to go in to my wretched job. And then I wouldn't mention my wretched job again because that doesn't help anyone feel better.

And then I'd tell you about my awesome sister in law and her brave little soul that moved to Houston to take a chance on a job. And I'd tell you that she doesn't exactly know how everything will turn out, but she's taking a chance. And I'd tell you that I'm proud to be her sister in law.

Next, we'd talk about my college roommate. She's also incredibly brave. She's the Mom of 4 beautiful children. Her youngest baby is in the NICU. Her family is imperfect, probably a little chaotic, and absolutely beautiful. And then I'd ask you, that if you're the praying type, to keep her family, and especially her little Noelle in your prayers. And if you're not the praying type, to send them good thoughts or good vibes, or hopes or wishes or thoughts.

We'd get around to talking about the baby and the legal steps we're taking and our agency, and how this whole foster thing is going and honestly, I'd probably gloss over it. You may interpret this as being distant or sad, but the truth is that I just don't know what's happening or is going to happen. I'll tell you that we filed an intervention with the court, but won't expand on it much because I don't really know what it means and I don't want you to think that it means that there is any more certainty in our lives or his future.

You would notice and detect my discomfort at this topic and would ask, " how are you doing?" because you're a good friend like that. And I'd order another glass of wine. . .

lazy post.

Here's a good article on babywearing your adopted (foster) child.

Things I Learned at Court:

1. No one does their jobs very well. For whatever reason (under staffed, over worked, underpaid, under motivated. . .) children really are just shuffled through the system.

2. CPS caseworkers need more legal training and to be held to higher standards. (and yes, I believe they should be paid way more and have smaller caseloads. I get that.)

3. Information gets lost in the shuffle. We will make every effort to attend every hearing for every child in our care from here on out.

4. Don't just trust that things were done well even from well intended agencies. Our home study, that has now been submitted to the court, has mistakes. I didn't think to ask to read the final copy in the fall and had just trusted that the corrections that we had discussed with our agency had been made. No doubtunintentional, but there are still mistakes that I'm not comfortable with.

5. Bring something to read.

Blessed

I woke up feeling like Eric and I are walking in the land of the uncertain-- babies, jobs, grad school, houses. . . Then Brett Dennen reminded me that I'm blessed.

breakfast and blogging

So my new goal is to blog every Tuesday and Friday. This little blog here is good for me- the things I write here, are for your information (and if you're considering becoming a foster parent- hopefully your encouragement!) but really this blog is cheaper than therapy*. Currently, I'm sitting at a coffee shop down the street from my house enjoying a superbly made latte, a ham and cheese croissant, and free wifi. Delight!

We've received two placement calls in the past couple of weeks. Both were emergency placements of 3 month old baby girls. We missed the first call, so there was no decision to be made, but the second call was so hard! She was a three month, african american, baby girl- her mom had tested positive for drugs and has had her rights terminated to 3 older children. Because we ultimately hope to adopt through this process- she was a perfect match! Except. . .that we have a six month old at home, are trying to buy a house, have two sports seasons left for Eric, grad school, and 9 weeks of teaching. . .In the end we decided that the added stress of another tiny baby would not be best for us individually or as a family. I spent the next day wondering if we did the right thing-- wondering if she was supposed to be our baby and we turned her away-- wondering and fearing the day that Aaron returns to his biological family--wondering how long our hearts will hold out in this process, but in the end (after a few tears) I know we did the right thing; our lives are wonderfully full and our babies will come to us in due time. For now, we're a happy family of 3- Mama, Daddy, and Boogs.

*Therapy is good and I have a wonderful counselor too.

month six.

Aaron turned six months old on Sunday. I can't believe how the time is flying and can't even begin to describe how he's changed our lives and moved in to our hearts. He's rolling over, sleeping through the night, and eating solid foods. He uses his voice to communicate- often times quite loudly! and loves going to school. He had his first Christmas, went to his first Rodeo, and has been on several vacations. He's licked a popsicle and been licked by a puppy. He has two teeth, sits in a shopping cart, and plays with toys. These past six months have been the most amazing, challenging, delightful months of our lives. There is no doubt- we are in love.

He still sees his birth mom weekly. Mostly, the visits go well. Eric and I talk often of the day that he may return to her. Her next court date is April 6th. We will be in attendance, but know little of what to expect. It'll be good to know first hand what the judge is saying and know where we stand. It's not a competition, but it sometimes feels that way.